he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
