you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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