i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
