Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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