Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize