my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
