the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
