I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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