You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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