I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
