If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
