My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
