I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
