I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
