You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize