My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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