If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
