Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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