No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
