We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
