my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
