Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
