Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
