You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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