Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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