I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
