Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
