I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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