Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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