i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
