What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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