Just fell off a train. Bad.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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