Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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