everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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