I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
