they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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