Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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