You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
