I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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