I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
