Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
