I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
