why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
