my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
