are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
