He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize