According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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