The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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