Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
