I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
