I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
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