is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
A bitchslap is in order.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
