Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
