you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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