Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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