I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
