Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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