dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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