Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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