Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
