Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
