dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
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